The Wingman Chronicles

Last year, we wrote about the first Geek Sequel. The first progeny of a Geek to join the squad seemed poised to take after his Dad, ensuring a lengthy, but mediocre career.

However, after a lukewarm entry onto the Geeks squad last year (the stats don’t lie – well, as far as you know they don’t), and missing training camp, The Kid was leading the team in scoring moving into last night’s match against the QSDM stars.

Then, seemingly inspired by the utter lack of talent on the rest of the team, The Kid banged in a hat trick as part of a 4-1 win. The first goal included an inspired visual distraction from Herbie Orser, with a triple Hamill Camel (we have a recent sample of Herb’s work here). It is clear that the Kid, now with a very healthy lead in scoring, does not understand the risks – he will likely be working the door next week, as part of Woolley’s overall “March to the Scoring Crown” initiative. For the moment though, the stats don’t lie (as we said before).

The Kid also began to exhibit the benefits of skating with veteran Geeks, including trying to stick-handle out of his own end while being the last man back, and ignoring his linemates while trying to bag the elusive fourth goal. His experienced linemate, Dave Maclachlan, took him aside to straighten him out – although some said that they were overheard making a marginally unethical arrangement around point-hoarding.

The Kid would have had a natural hat trick, supporting a shut-out, had long-time netminder Higgins not elected to try out the poke-check he’d recently seen on television. After the poke-check (well, a pass to the QSDM forward) ended up with the puck in the net, Higgins claimed that “it’s only a fad, I’m an old-school goaltender”. I guess that means you give up a lot of bad goals.

The most tragic event of the evening, however, was when former goal-scorer Ken Hoy (shown here prior to the collapse, surprisingly enough), asked the referee to be ejected from the game after a minor body-contact incident, claiming that he ‘simply couldn’t continue’.

This was after his son had scored two goals, and it was speculated that Ken could not bear watching the complete collapse of his own career on the ice, while being replaced by his own offspring. On the other hand, he was the first guy in the bar.

One other note from this game – the mighty Alber, formerly of the thirty point season, managed to scramble for a goal and an assist – his first points of this season. How the mighty have fallen.

On other fronts, the Geeks continue to suffer from injuries. Tony has returned after a nasty groin pull suffered during that advanced movement known as ‘the stride’, while Eric hopes to return from a serious back injury incurred while getting onto the ice. It has been suggested by some that the “Old” part of “Old Geeques” is becoming a little too accurate, but time will tell.

The Geeks took their show on the road to a different golf venue this year as part of their annual training camp. Although the location changed, the results were much the same. There were some indications of a real training camp however – with Croteau and the Parnojas going for an early morning run on Saturday (thankfully sparing us from a viewing of their spandex outfits – I suppose with conditioning like that, every bit of streamlining helps).

We were also educated by new “Men’s Health” subscriber Ken Hoy, who described his training regimen (which amounted to reading about free weights and treadmills). However, Hoy’s Bisa card was up to the task and was well exercised throughout the weekend (including Saturday night dinner, for which we are all grateful).

The keeners golfed Friday at Batteaux Creek (in drizzly weather), while the full contingent golfed Saturday at “Raven at Lora Bay”. Although there is still a fair bit of landscaping being down at the latter, it is a spectacular course. It is somewhat of a crime to waste a course like that on on a mixed bag of golfers such as ourselves, but we gave it a good shot in any event.

Alber could be heard several holes away, expressing his delight with each shot (of which there were many).  Marchand gave Higgins a run again this year in the second round (102 to 99, although there was clearly a very liberal interpretation of the rules by one of these players). Marchand was the belle of the ball, using his newly rented CallowayTaylormade Burner – again a clear waste of talent.

Geek attendees included Juri and Erik Parnoja, Geoff Woolley, John Croteau, Herbie Rieschl, Rob Marchand, Ken Hoy, Mike Alber, Steven McLeod and Mike Northey. We also had a semi-regular out-of-towner – Bruce Labelle, who was rounding up contributions for his new house.

However, the true highlight of the second round was our pickup of a a former McMaster buddy – Conor Lynch – who was in town visiting his significant other, and whom we ran into while having dinner at an Irish pub in the Village at Blue. Conor chose to join us for Friday evening, and Saturday on the course, no doubt impressing his girlfriend no end.

In the midst of all the havoc, “Old Geeks Inc.” held a formal board meeting. Alas, the results remain unclear, as it was held on the patio at the Rave, and was a rather festive affair.

The windup of the second evening included testing the hours of the local food establishments – this amounted to six pizzas at 2:30am.

The result of the post-camp review indicated a resounding success, as always.  Thanks to Erik Parnoja for arranging the accommodations.

For those who have trouble visualizing, we have a few reminders.

Some of the photos that have been lost (wishful thinking) in the mists of time are included here. Still rated PG though…..

Geek Training Camps

• 1999 - New!
• 2000
• 2001 – Lost in the mists of time – so far!
• 2002 - New!
• 2003 - New!
• 2004 – Updated!
• 2005
• 2006
• Geek History

Bring your A-game to camp boys.

As you might conclude from the title, the Geeks are now out of the playoffs. Despite a semi-valiant effort, the Geeks fell 5-2 to the Roseto Rockets in their second playoff meeting of the 2006-07 season.

Unfortunately, the Geeks couldn’t beat the first place team a second time. A few Geek-like stumbles led to a 4-2 deficit late in the third, followed by an empty net goal with all hands on deck.

The Geeks after twenty years look a little bit different – this year’s photo with the new jerseys is above, and to the right, we have the team picture from Season One, back in 1987.

So Season Twenty comes to an end that is pretty consistent with most of the rest.

There were, however, some interesting developments.

Team Achievements

• A great deal of corruption was uncovered within the management organization. Although no arrests have yet been announced, it is clear that the organization is on the run, and are frantically spending their ill-gotten gains (there was a very high percentage of Caribbean vacations this year);
• The Geeks revisited a bit of their feisty past, approaching an all-time high in penalty minutes; Eleven players were in double digits, with the only Lady Byng candidate being Tony “The Saint” Cocciardi; there was even a game that could have been from the late eighties, with even the goalie being tossed (but with the Geeks still getting the win!);
• The Geeks finished with seven players above twenty points – and in fact now have two years in a row with more than ninety goals (up almost 50% from preceding years);
• The Geeks gave up only 64 goals (compared with 87 last year), and almost matched last years goals-for – 93 this year versus 97 last year.
• The Geeks had an unmatched season in injuries, including appendicitis, extracted wisdom teeth, a torn rotator cuff, a pair of black eyes, serious burns, and advanced fatigue syndrome.

Personal Bests

• Kevin Craine topped 30 points for the first time in years – besting by two points the mark set last year by “La Machine”;
• Geoff Woolley, had a career season – coming second in scoring, despite his implication in the widely reported corruption investigation;
• Ken Hoy made good use of his new skates, amassing 19 points. It is rumoured that the other two-thirds (of a tonne) of the Gut Line are now considering picking up his option (given his hearty contributions to the post-game festivities);
• Goalie Higgens pulled his Goals Against Average down to a stingy 2.5 goals per game – a full goal better than his efforts over the past three years, and his best in almost ten years. There is an investigation underway to determine whether this is due to increased defensive responsibility by the rest of the Geeks (unlikely), or his replacement by an alien using his body as a host (unlikely, but way more likely than the first one);

Geek Training Camp

The date for this years training camp has been set – May 25, 26, and 27. For those who have only experienced a few training camps, you are reminded that preparation training is mandatory.

The Geeks have, once again, painted themselves into a corner.

After losing their second playoff game to a team who they had owned all season, their season has suddenly become very simple – three wins in a row to take the championship, or one loss will mean the next meeting is at Training Camp.

Unfortunately, it seems that some of the Geeks have already checked out – worrying more about wannabe games like ‘Golf’.

The Geeks grabbed a one goal lead early in the first, as John Croteau scored thirteen seconds in (he is worried about his job). This stood up until late in the second (and for those who are wondering, Higgins was playing goal), when the Ice Beavers tied the game.

The Geeks took the lead back midway through the third – but coughed it up only seven seconds later.

With the score tied 2-2, the Geeks and Beavers struggled mightily until the Beavers scored at the end of a Geek penalty (Marchand) with just under four minutes left.

Things seemed grim. The Geeks were down 3-2 with three minutes and change left in the game. But the always reliable Alber (La Machine) tipped in a point shot from the Rookie with less than two minutes left to tie the game, just as The Coach was thinking about pulling Higgins (about two periods too late). We were headed to overtime.

Nothing like it – overtime in the playoffs.

Unless you’re a Geek.

A somewhat spotty history of success in the overtime and shootout department led to a lot Into the overtime the Geeks went, until The Coach uttered the fateful phrase.

“Let’s play for the tie, and win in the shootout – this guy’s a stiff!”

He might as well have said “Let’s run up the score” or “Here comes the shutout”. As one would expect, with only sixteen seconds left in the overtime, the Geeks managed to turn the puck over in their own end, followed by a deflection, and an interminable dribbling of the puck over the line. Not a huge surprise.

The other factor was penalties – after a number of Geeks (who shall remain nameless) begged for restraint in the penalty department, most of these Geeks ended up in the box – including two penalties in the first, two in the second and four in the third.

In the injury department – Juri Parnoja (rotator cuff) and Conroy (upper body injury) are gone for the season. However, Parnoja has found another role – buying rounds at the bar.

Time will tell how the Geeks fare in the remainder of the playoffs, but at least they own their own destiny.

The Geeks (well, some of them anyway) are starting to get ready for the playoffs. As feared, the Geeks managed to slot themselves into the top division in the league, which will no doubt cause them immense pain in the weeks to come.

Team Rookie “Ryan” (not his real name) has put his money where his mouth is, with a playoff haircut, which was received as part of an Unidentified Party Incident (UPI), not any kind of dedication to the Geeks. Perhaps a result of the recent extraction of his wisdom teeth – and his wisdom – but his heart is in the right place. Talk about dedication. A few veteran Geeks on the roster could take some pointers here (those with hair left to cut).

The injury update looks worse, not better. In fact several Geeks are done for the season.

The coach was unavailable for comment, as he, and his puppet assistant are both in southern climes – a coincidence? We don’t don’t think, and neither does the the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency.

The recent Geek winning streak was ended at four games, with a 2-1 loss to DBG Dynamite. The Geeks, with their usual foresight, have managed to win enough games to pretty much ensure that they play in the top half of the division during the playoffs.

With their loss, they will drop from third to fourth, with 25 points – one point behind DBG Dynamite. The only team that might catch the Geeks would be the All City Blues, with 21 points going into last nights game, when they were to play the first place team. If they won that game, and win their last game of the season – and we lose our last game of the season, then we would be tied for points. If the tiebreaker is wins – ACB would move into fourth and the Geeks would drop to fifth. A head to head tiebreaker would have the same result, as the Geeks have lost twice to ACB. Watch for an update when the league stats are updated.
In other news, the injury trend has continued. During a recent DL report, we had:

• Erik – Tired;
• Sean – Tennis elbow (wonder what THAT’S from);
• Juri – Fell over Sean while skiing, hurt his shoulder;
• Tony – Burst appendix;
• Ryan – Wisdom teeth removed (now he is just as smart as his Dad).

Some of these are pretty slim excuses.

We now have:

• Sean – Tennis elbow;
• Juri – Torn rotator cuff;
• Tony – Burst appendix;
• Ryan – Burnt hand on a stove (apparently the loss of wisdom was severe);
• Cardwell – puck between the eyes (see photo)

Croteau, apparently mindful of his career, has been sniffle-free this year, further extending his iron-man lead in the lifetime stats.

The result of a blistering wrist-shot from just inside the blue-line.

Those in the crowd may wonder – was the goalie down in the crease? Perhaps on one knee to block the wraparound? How else would he get a shot in the mask?

Alas, he was standing upright – and is a tall guy – and is the only thing that stopped the puck from going into the stands….

The Geeks got themselves in a goal scoring mood for this one. In fact, it was a rematch against the Ice Beavers, the opposing team in the Bloodbath of 2006. The Geeks managed an 8-0 trouncing of the opposition, in an affair that did not seem nearly this lopsided.

However, first, a commercial:

• New blade for his stick – $32.00
• Skate sharpening – $5.00
• The look on his teammate’s faces when Woolley scores twice in the first five minutes – priceless.

It seems clear that Woolley should get his skates sharpened and get a new blade more often. It was a fortunate breakage of his Hespeler Jr. stick (pictured at right) in the prior game that forced Woolley to call his broker to free up $37.00 for the new lumber and edges. In fact, if there are any stiffs on the team that haven’t:

1. Coughed up for a new blade or stick, and
2. Gotten their skates sharpened,

at least once this year, then get your butts out of your Lazy-Boys and do it! The playoffs are coming.

Woolley used these equipment tune-ups to jump-start the team in the first period, and they never looked back. Woolley in fact had many chances throughout the game to add a third goal but couldn’t complete the hat-trick. In fact, in the closing minutes, he dished off a pass during a two on one. Unfortunately, Croteau was so surprised, he stick-handled into the corner (much like the band in the closing moments of Animal House), where he then gave up the puck.

By the end of the affair, the scoring was well distributed:

• Woolley had a pair, one a beautiful backhand off the post;
• Marchand had two – one the result of a breakaway received after Alber and Hoy dug the puck out of a scrum (while Marchand was lounging at centre ice), and the other shot off the toe of his skate by Hoy.
• Croteau with a single, the result of incredible patience (surprising given that he plays with Woolley);
• Craine had one goal, a laser-like shot to the top corner with his whizzy new composite stick, and three assists;
• Alber had a pair, plus three assists.

Hoy was held goalless, clearly frustrated by his linemates, who, like the Keystone Cops, could not complete a pass to him – but he managed to pile up three assists!
Higgins managed to hold on to the shutout. He was clearly concerned for his job, as during the last affair against the Ice Beavers, the Geeks played for the last 8 minutes without a goalie, and allowed zero goals. There was some discussion around pulling Higgins in the third period of this game in order to maintain the shutout – however most players were too interested in running up their points to care about a shutout.

There is also a new training camp documentary available (circa 2000).

In other news, there has been an alarming rise in injuries on the Geeks. Tonight’s victory was accomplished with exactly two full lines.
Currently on the DL:

• Erik – Tired;
• Sean – Tennis elbow (wonder what THAT’S from);
• Juri – Fell over Sean while skiing, hurt his shoulder;
• Tony – Burst appendix;
• Ryan – Wisdom teeth removed (now he is just as smart as his Dad).

There are two excuses on this list that are acceptable – maybe less than two. There are at least two that are suspicious, and one that is, well, silly. You figure it out.

Finally, the Geeks added a few more penalties to their mounting tally. It seems that few Geeks could use some sensitivity training.
There will be extra punishment for these slackers at the 2007 Training Camp.

The Old Geeks managed to pull out a 3-2 win in a hard fought battle in their most recent game, although it was a near thing. Goalie Higgins (pictured at right) stood up to a late game barrage, with the opposing net empty, and playing shorthanded. A screened slapshot from the point was stopped, as was the rebound attempt, just prior to the horn signaling the end of the game.

The Geeks were shorthanded for the second time during the game, with both penalties being taken by Doc Northey. Northey has been a healthy contributor to this years attempt at a Geek penalty record.

Northey’s earlier offence came as he was backing up his defensive partner, Mike Cardwell. Cardwell, who has recently become a bit of a scoring guru (well, at least he shoots the puck now), hand-picked Northey as a defense partner, adding a bit of grit to Cardwell’s normally fancy-dancy play.

Speaking of shooting, Cardwell took another shot (his second of the season) during this affair, after an electrifying coast-to-coast rush (Craine told him to do it), adding the third goal to the Geeks’ tally. Marchand notched the first marker, cleaning up Woolley’s garbage. Kevin Craine scored the second goal, the first using his new composite stick. No players were injured during the shot, which is somewhat surprising, if you’ve tried the stick. In fact, Woolley missed a golden opportunity during the third period, when a pass from Craine broke Woolley’s stick (there was some dispute about whether Woolley could have taken the pass in any event).

In other news, the Lifetime statistics are now up to date. However, a review of this games scoresheet revealed an alarming fact – there were no ‘adjustments’ to the score sheet during the post-game review. Worse, there were two unclaimed assists on Cardwell’s goal! A review of past games is underway to determine if this has ever happened before. Of course, our long-time readers will recall that this is hardly the first time for this sort of thing:

• Risky Business
• New Indictments Expected in GeekGate
• Corruption Investigation Expanded
• Geek Scoresheet Audit Continues

Sheesh, when you list them out, it seems like we might really have a problem!!

It was also noted that the team manager (Woolley) was placing players on the roster for some earlier games, even if they did not attend – it seems that this will drive the player’s Point Per Game (PPG) statistic lower. It seems we often underestimate the ability of Woolley to master all the statistics of the game.